"Life is as I've said since I was 10, awfully interesting - if anything, quicker, keener at 44 than 24 - more desperate I suppose, as the river shoots to Niagara - my new vision of death; active, positive, like all the rest, exciting; & of great importance - as an experience. 'The one experience I shall never describe', I said to Vita yesterday."
Of course that last statement is a truth. You can not describe your own death.
"Thought of my own power of writing with veneration, as of something incredible, belonging to someone else; never again to be enjoyed by me."This was written during a nervous breakdown in miniature as she describes it. There is a level of psychological dissociation contained in this passage.
Then Wells came again; & stayed till 4, when he had to meet an American. He is getting to the drowsy stage: the 60s. Seems well wishing but not so spry as he used to be. He talked about his new book, the thoughts one has at 60."
This is an interesting observation and one that today seems out of place. Today's 60 year olds are a more vibrant breed. Woolf in her late 40s was already considering herself to be getting old. As a fit and active 57 year old myself I do not anticipate being drowsy at 60, though I do remember that my grandparents appeared to be very old at that age.
The Diary Volume 3 - Friday 9 April 1926"Only I am exiled from this profound natural happiness. That is what I always feel; or often feel now - natural happiness is what I lack, in profusion. I have intense happiness - not that. It is therefore what I most envy; geniality & family love & being on the rails of human life."
It must have been disconcerting for Virginia to have periods of her life where she was off the rails and starved of natural happiness. Obviously she had times of intense happiness but that enduring feeling of happiness eluded her. Would she have been so driven to write if she had enjoyed profound natural happiness? I suspect not, but we will never know.
The Diary Volume 3 - Wednesday 24 March 1926"To upset everything every 3 or 4 years is my notion of a happy life. Always to be tacking to get into the eye of the wind." I like the yatching allusion here, reminds me of To the Lighthouse. She had obviously messed about in boats at some time, probably at St Ives. Tacking into the wind gives the picture of someone who will take things as they come and not flinch from change. This was a radical position for a young Victorian lady to take.
